Hideous Man-Beast Washes Up On Shore Of Municipal
Saint Clair, PA —Responding to complaints about an awful stench, local lifeguard Matt Frieze, 26, discovered what appeared to be the bloated body of a repulsive man-beast that had mysteriously washed up on the shore of the St. Clair Municipal Pool Monday.
Frieze, who found the unidentified monstrosity sprawled out on the concrete at approximately 2:30 p.m., said he attempted to inspect the bizarre creature but was repelled by the sight of the putrid mass of flesh and hair.
"I've never seen anything like it before," said Frieze, adding that he first assumed it was just a pile of rotting sewage until he noticed its lower extremities were partially covered by what appeared to be a denim garment. "It looked like some kind of decomposing manatee with these horrible teeth and a face like…."
"Oh my God, I think I'm going to be sick," Frieze added.
While Frieze said he was surprised by how soft and squishy the behemoth was when he prodded it with a pool skimmer, he admitted that he was far more startled when the man-beast briefly stirred and produced a low, mournful gurgle. Immediately urging the crowd of curious onlookers to keep its distance, Frieze stood guard over the foul mistake of nature for some time, but the beast did not move again.
Although numerous observers claimed to have seen the gelatinous lump shift, emit an audible noise, and paw at a nearby can of soda, local resident Jake Millar, 39, remained convinced that the ungodly eye sore was either dead or dying.
"That noise is just gas being released from its rotting body," Millar said. "Did you see its slimy skin and chubby flipper arms? No way that thing can survive on land."
"They should call someone to come take care of the carcass," Millar added. "There's flies all over it."
After examining the prone man-beast, Millar said he was unable to find any discernable facial features he could use to identify it, since much of the "head" was obscured by a large pair of sunglasses.
A great deal of speculation continues to surround the strange, washed-up form. Kimberly Covington, a local mother of two, surmised that the creature might belong to a previously unknown species of prehistoric animal.
"We've probably never found anything like it before because the thing lives deep down in the pool, where light never reaches," said
Other eyewitnesses suggested a variety of theories about the nature of the grotesque colossus, including that it might be a deformed bear, an elephant fetus, a giant larvae, a genetic experiment gone terribly awry, an obese yeti, an enormous wad of wax, a piece of driftwood, or a decomposing basking shark carcass.
Biologists at the nearby University of Pennsylvania–Schuylkill Haven have scrutinized cell phone photos of the strange beast, but have made little progress in determining a biological classification for the organism.
"Unfortunately, this amorphous creature doesn't possess any distinguishable features other than several nonfunctioning appendages," marine biologist Dr. Gregory Tatum said. According to Tatum, it is unlikely the creature walked upright, as its bones would almost certainly splinter under such enormous girth. "It is quite probable that this mysterious, jelly-like animal has remained in this very position for most of its life."
Tatum said that he and his colleagues also considered the possibility that the man-beast might be a large aquatic mammal belonging to the order Cetacea, which would explain bystanders reports of the creature expelling short, labored breaths from an opening atop its body. However, he abandoned the theory because of the monstrosity's abundance of back hair.
"We do not understand the evolutionary advantage of having such a thick, coarse layer of fur covering the shoulders and extending up the neck," Tatum continued. "I doubt it has anything to do with mating rituals. This creature is obviously the only one of its kind and will never reproduce."
MAN RUNNING AFTER BUS DELIGHTS BUS PASSENGERS
The endlessly uplifting and entertaining chase, which took place between 8:23 a.m. and 8:25 a.m., began shortly after the Pottsville-area bus pulled away from its
"He was actually moving pretty fast," said Donald Schoemeyer, one of roughly a dozen passengers whose spirits were lifted by the hulking, heavily sweating man. "Even when it was clear that there was no way he was going to make it, he still kept running after us."
"I guess he really needed to get on that bus," added Schoemeyer, a faint smile forming on his lips.
Reports indicate that a number of factors contributed to the overall feeling of joy among those lucky enough to witness the spectacle. Among them, the fact that the man was not in very good physical shape, an indication that the act of running was in all likelihood his last recourse; the black briefcase the man was carrying at the time of his amusing chase, which not only added weight to his already cumbersome frame, but also suggested he was trying to be on time for some important business meeting; and lastly, the growing improbability that the man was ever going to reach the speeding bus.
"His face was getting all sorts of red," said
"Heh,"
According to public transportation sources, the morning commute aboard the number 67 bus is generally unremarkable and monotonous, with commuters sitting in silence and dreading another long, hard day of work. The appearance of the running, wildly gesticulating man, however, instantly altered the mood aboard the bus, bringing with it a kind of levity and cheerfulness not experienced in weeks.
"At first, I thought I was the only one who saw him, but then I turned around and there were like six other people also grinning to themselves," said Michael Schwarz, who takes the 67 every morning. "It was just this really nice moment we all got to share together."
Those on the bus weren't the only ones warmed upon sight of the increasingly exhausted man. Pedestrians and motorists along Market Street were also afforded a brief moment of joy after seeing the panting man momentarily trip, spill his coffee on the sidewalk, and then look up in despair as the bus sped further and further away from him.
Roughly one minute into the chase, when it appeared that the now-kneeling man had finally given up, and that no additional pleasure would be brought to the enthralled passengers, a serendipitous event took place. Witnesses at the corner of Market and Center Streets reported that a red traffic light finally brought the speeding bus to a stop, allowing the delightful man one last opportunity to catch up.
"Believe it or not, that poor bastard actually got to his feet again and started running our way," said city worker Jerome Turner, who claimed that he had been rooting for the man the entire time. "He almost made it, too. But then the light turned green and, you know how it is, I just had to keep driving."
